You ski. You drink beer. You remember exactly where you were when Canada won Olympic golds in hockey at Salt Lake. But are you really Canadian?

Skiers around the world salivate over it. Yet appalling few of us ever take advantage of the one big invention - apart from UN peacekeeping and synchronized swimming - for which Canada is internationally famous.

Hang out in any European ski resort and it will literally be a nanosecond before some hairy-assed German stares over his moustache and barks, "Vat are you do-ink here? You should be heli-ski-ink."

He's right, you should. It's the Valhalla, the nirvana, the most heavenly version of skiing there is. Deep virgin powder bowls, hundreds of miles of unfurling snow-laden peaks, all topped off by the macho thrill of being whizzed around in a multi-million-dollar flying machine. On life's list of skiing must do's, it's definitely Number One. So what are you waiting for, a personal invitation?

YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED TO EXPERIENCE OUR NATIONAL TREASURE.

Helicopter and snowcat skiing in the world-famous B.C. backcountry.Dress warmly.Bring a camera.

RSVP by ticking the following...

__ I AM A STRONG INTERMEDIATE PARALLEL SKIER.

Excellent, that's all you need. Fat skis have revolutionized the heli-ski industry. In a little more than a decade, it's changed from fast and dirty to slick and swishy. You need to be in reasonable condition, but this will be the motivation you need to do something about it. Anyway, you're likely underestimating your ability. Guides responsible for making up compatible groups privately admit that Americans routinely overestimate their abilities and Canadians underestimate theirs. What a surprise!

__ I WISH TO EASE MYSELF INTO IT.

Before committing to a full week's enchilada, consider going for a day trip. Almost all B.C. resorts are within driving distance of an operator. Watch the weather map and hold out for a blue-sky, knee-deep morning or an advancing system with probable precip. In great conditions, you'll ski like a god and feel like a superhero--and that's worth no amount of money.

__ I'D LIKE TO DO IT ON A WHIM.

Not the problem it might have been. Weaker economies, 9/11 and varying conditions have conspired to give the operators a bit of a whack recently. While some do continue to waitlist, especially January through March, it's possible to phone up and get a seat on short notice. Some hit hard by the tourism slump have even discounted their seats.

__ I WOULD LIKE TO LEARN TO SKI POWDER.

While you don't want to arrive a complete powder novice, many operators have dedicated groups that will ski at a slower pace than the others. Some, like CMH, have pre-heli-skiing courses at resorts to warm up before you go.

__ I WISH TO REGISTER MY SHOCK OVER THE CURRENT PRICE OF LIFT TICKETS.

Going heli-skiing will show those greedy resort guys who's boss. Indeed, you may even save money. By enrolling in CMH's version of the frequent-flyer program, and after skiing one million vertical feet, you will receive a "free" ski suit. At current rates, you won't get much change from $100,000--but sometimes you've got to spend it to make it.

__ I'D LIKE TO GET AWAY FROM IT ALL.

While some lodges are wired, many remain--at the behest of their guests--delightfully unplugged. Ski powder all day, drink and eat well among friends, and sleep in deep, peaceful silence.

__ I WANT TO HOLD MY HEAD HIGH AMONG THE CAPTAINS OF U.S. INDUSTRY AND THE EUROTRASH BRIGADES.

No matter how much you claim not to care, next time you end up on a chair between Bill Gates and Prince Charles, both will be most impressed by your gloves from TLH.

__ I WOULD LIKE TO SPEND CANADIAN DOLLARS.

We spend so much time complaining about American exchange rates, why not take a fabulous, slightly more expensive trip--by staying at home. You'll feel you've been around the world after one day.

__ I ONLY LIVE ONCE.

Time to rationalize and book yourself in at one of the fat-cat heli ops like Mike Wiegele's. An $8,000 week works out to only a year of saving $22 a day and if there's a better use for 22 bucks, we haven't heard of it. (Apart from a tip for the massage therapist, but even that's a bit stingy.)

__ I WANT TO SKI GREAT POWDER WITHOUT THE RACE OF A HELICOPTER.

Helis can really ruin a hair-do. Cat-skiing is a low-stress, far more affordable approach. There's less mobility when it comes to terrain, but riding up for each run in the spacious cat lets you drink, rest and exchange requisite bad jokes throughout the day. No down days due to unflyable weather either.

__ I WANT TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF.

Sick and tired of psychotherapy? Blown enough dough on call-girls and pills? It's a scientific factoid that heli- and cat-skiers are happier than normal people.

__ I AM CANADIAN.

So act like it, eh.

WHAT TO ASK BEFORE YOU BOOK

Are you a member of the governing body of mechanized operators, the B.C. Helicopter and Snowcat Operators Association (BCHSOA)?

Are all your guides UIAGM, ACMG or CSG certified? Get them to explain the difference? How many skiers in a group? How many groups ski out of one helicopter? (Cats are normally private to your group, but ask.) How many guides in each group?

Does the price include a minimum amount of vertical? What's the cost of extra vertical and how much should I expect to rack up? Are fat skis included?

What is the refund policy for down days, injury or cancellation?

What is your safety record?